Lost thoughts

We had it.

We almost had it.

All those sweet talks, deep conversations, and random thoughts we had in our minds.

I was more attached than you were to me.

And it’s hard to feel like this everyday.

If you think I’m chasing you, well, I’m not. This isn’t a mandatory one, but I think I need to let it all out through this one since I can’t talk to you anymore.

You were my favorite person and buddy of all time, didn’t you know that? I remembered when I’m always reminding you that I won’t leave you no matter how hard the situation is.

But guess what, I just did it.

I’m not going to say I’m proud of leaving you, nor sad. Because basically speaking, I’m not.

I was always the one who’s always there for you when you can’t talk to your friends or even with your family. I said that you can always depend on me because yes, you can.

I’m not making any way just to make things get back the way the used to be. I can’t.

I might strangle you with words that I shouldn’t be saying that would make it hurt you, that’s why I think I made the right decision. You said you want to have time for yourself, then it’s all yours.

No matter how strong I am, there’s this point in my life that I really just want to break down. No matter how many ways I’m going to think of just to try and fix this, I’m tired of being ignored and to be treated like this by you, like my feelings don’t matter.

I didn’t left you because I found another one because I didn’t and I won’t. You think I became happy since I broke up with you? I didn’t. It still hurts a lot as days passed by.

What am I supposed to do? I’m trying to be strong. I wanted to be strong for the both of us even though there’s no even an ‘us’ anymore.

Never in my whole life I’m going to offer you any place in my heart other than giving it and being with you. You have it in the first place but you still chose to let me go of you.

Yes, I still love you. I tried everything and if you noticed that I’m still trying to talk to you, it means I’m still trying to bring us back.

I promised you way back then that I would fight for you against everything. I did and I still even defended you because I loved you.

How come you didn’t fought for me back?

But I can’t because I’m already tired. How am I supposed to believe that our promises are forever?

If you really love me, you won’t let me go. But you did. How am I supposed to believe you now? You gave up on us. You gave up on me.

Please, I think I’m not going to love you the same way anymore. But it doesn’t mean that I will stop caring.

I wouldn’t stop caring of you, I can’t and I won’t.

You’ve played a big role in my life. And how ironic that you’re still in it.

— (DISCLAIMER: Photos are not mine, credits to Google)

Stay

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“Let’s just break up if we’re going to fight all over again.” she said, while clamping her fist tightly and she walked out. She walked out with tears falling down on her cheeks. She walked out because she didn’t want to hurt him anymore. She walked out because she just hurt the most important person in her life and lastly, she walked out because she knew that he’ll be mad.

He hold her left arm and grasped it firmly.

But she prevented all the way out while walking in the streets. She’s already crying but he’s still holding her left arm tightly.

What now? Wouldn’t you like to hurt me?” he said.

But she keeps on walking. He shouted at her. She stopped walking.

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And now, its his turn to walk away. “Face me. Don’t turn your back away from me.” she said.

He faced her. They both looked at each other’s eyes. She can feel that he is hurt. She just wanted to hug him and say, “everything will be okay, soon.” but all of her thoughts stopped.

“What!?” he said. She prevented herself from hurting him.

She is triggered when he said that she should hurt him. For the last time, she didn’t want to hurt him because she love him more than she ever loved herself.

She slapped him. And that’s the moment she heard him cried. He cried because she hurt him. Its the first time she ever heard him cried that loud. And she knew that he is so hurt. She walked away faster.

He run towards her and shouted, “Hurt me again! Just hurt me! Those aren’t enough for all the pain I’ve been suffering from! Just hurt me!

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She just silently walks away, but he insisted. He even held her hand again just to slap him on his own.

While continuously walking in the streets that night, she felt the raindrops that poured on the top of her head. He run as fast as he could just to catch her.

Hey, please let’s talk.” he said while she’s trying to run away.

I’m going to get your things so after that you can leave.” she replied.

She cried and went to her bedroom and put all the things inside the bag.

She just feel hurt, depressed and sad. She felt that she carries all the pain that isn’t worthy of.

She went to see him again and this time she gave the bag to him and said, “You can leave. Its already late. Just please leave.”

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He shook his head and she noticed that he’s crying. He’s definitely crying again.

He said something she didn’t really understand. He speaks continuously and she asked, “What?

“I love you so much.” 

After she heard those words, she just wanted to hug him so tightly. So tightly that all the pain and hatred he’s been feeling will be fade out.

Why are you still so brave? Why are you still trying to pretend that you’re brave enough?”

Upon hearing those words, tears are slowly falling down on her cheeks again. She just wanted to say that she needs to be strong for the both of them, but instead she answered, “I don’t want to cry.” 

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She tried to hold his hands and she even tried to touch his cheeks but all he did was to waved away her hands off him.

He’s still crying. She just wanted to say I’m sorry but she couldn’t because anger and hatred are the ones dueling of in her feelings.

Go. I’m going to wait for you here till morning.” he said.

“You couldn’t do that.” she answered.

Yes, I can. So, go inside.” he said.

She tried to stand him up but he stood up for himself. He said things that she already forgot because she didn’t even know what she was doing half that time.

Slap me again. I do deserve them all. This isn’t enough for all the pain that I’ve been feeling.” he said, quietly.

No, stop. I wouldn’t do that, again. We’re both hurt.” she replied and tried to touch his cheeks.

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“If you wouldn’t do it, I won’t go home.” he said.

No, just go home. Its already late, please.” she replied.

If you wouldn’t do it, I’ll just do it by myself.” he said.

Then she just noticed that he’s already punching the wall and the rocks near them.

“STOP! Please, I wouldn’t do it.” she said.

But he didn’t listened. He continuously punched the wall. She didn’t wanted to do it because all the pain that they’re both suffering are enough for them to be dumb to feel it.

As he continued to punch it, she thought that she needs to it, for the sake of the both of them. And for the last time that night, she slapped him.

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That time last night happened what she haven’t been really expecting. It ended up in parting their ways through their houses and she apologized all night. All she did is to cry and feel sorry for the both of them.

All she did was to feel the pain deep within herself because she knows that its all her fault on why did they became so complicated.

Of all the things she have done, there is one thing she’d regretted doing. And that is to hurt him that bad. He doesn’t deserve every single pain he’s feeling right now, she thought. All she thinks about is how to fix all of her mistakes and everything.

But she knew that everything will be alright soon. She knew that every wound will heal in its right time and that they will be both fine with each other’s presence.

— (DISCLAIMER: Photos are not mine, credits to Google)

This Will Be The Last

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You hugged and kissed me, sadly that was the last one.

You visited me before leaving for three days with a smile on your face when I saw you, sadly that was the last one.

You held my hand, you pinched my cheeks but sadly that was the last one.

You said your good bye before leaving for three days and sadly, that was the last one.

It was three days without you, it was three days waiting for you to come home.

I was excited when the third day came, but I didn’t saw you.

Hours passed by, the coldness of your voice touched my ears that something bad happened.

We talked but it isn’t the same anymore before those three days without you.

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Earlier the next day, I was staring at our pictures together.

I even watched our video that you took last year and the video that you took when I was dancing.

And what the best part is, I saw a picture that you took that I was being placed by a medal at the stage.

It was you, being so supportive and every thing.

I laugh and stare in every picture that we had. Those times that we are so happy and not thinking of any problem.

But the time came, you said that its already fading. Those feelings of you for me are already fading.

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Instead of ranting of nonsense things, I just noticed that my tears were already falling down on my cheeks. I noticed that I’m crying.

I was already crying and you said you were sorry. I started on ranting on why things like this have to happen, I just started to hurt you with words that I didn’t even meant to say any at all.

But you started to hurt my feelings. The fact that you just said your feelings are already fading. The fact that you wanted us to break up. The fact that you don’t love me anymore.

Do you already think that your sorry is enough? Do you think saying sorry about what you just said will get back things on its right place?

Do you even think that saying sorry will get your feelings be back at the right place? Do you even think that saying sorry will get you to still stay with me?

I think that’s a no. I can’t give you the favor that we should be best friends even if we broke up.

That’s the thing. We started as friends, became best friends and we ended up in the end being best friends again.

It hurts me so much. It hurts me so much that you’re the the one who’ve already given up.

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I can’t even stand a day without you. But I guess, I would just accept this even it hurts me so much.

I guess that promises are really meant to be broken. If you want me to stay, then I’ll stay. But I won’t promise that I would still be the same after this.

After this, I promise myself that I would be strong. I would be stronger than ever. Maybe one of this days, I would still be remembering on how you hugged me.

I would still be remembering those happy moments with you. Those endless times with endless laughter.

Those pinky promises that we’ve made every time we fight and those hugs we give to each other when in awe.

Those memories that I would sacrifice every thing just to treasure it forever in my life.

Those many memories that I can’t even mention one because all I feel is that I’m really grateful and happy for having them in my life with you.

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I would pretend everything is okay, but its literally not.

And now, I’m starting to ask myself, “Where did I ever go wrong?”

All I wish for now is when I wake up the next morning, the happenings for tonight is only a dream and will never come true.

But I guess, even if tomorrow, it will never be the same.

It will never be the same that you and me will be sending good morning messages and in the night for the good night messages.

I guess it will never be the same that when every week will come, it will never be the same waiting for you every morning.

It will never be the same helping you with those things you aren’t fond of doing. It will never be the same that every weekend we’ll be hanging out with each other.

All of the things that we usually do, all of the things that we usually do in our free weekends; the badminton and breakfast routine, our coffee hang out in Starbucks, our usual walk routine in any places and every SINGLE thing.

It will never be the same because I’ve already lost you and you’ve already lost me.

And for the last time, I love you so much and my feelings for you will never change.

You and me, me and you for the last time.

 — (DISCLAIMER: Photos are not mine, credits to Google)

The Dream

She woke up wearing her oversize sweatshirt and socks. She imagined what would it be like if she met the love of her life. She had her anxiety and depression while she writes a poetry. Poetry and war both stacked inside her mind.

She made herself some iced coffee and sat down a bit. Then, she closed her eyes. As she close her eyes, her imagination had a situation that she saw him lokking at her direction. He was smiling and she smiled back. He walked through and he reached her.

He held his hand and she gave it to him. They talked and walked under the sun. As they stopped by a rock, she asked, “Will you stay here and be with me?” he smiled and said, “I will stay by your side as long as you want me to.”

He looked closely at her. He kissed me endlessly and she’s kissing him back. She didn’t wanted to say good bye, so instead she said, “See you.” then she opened her eyes and realized it was only a dream and she cried because she’s afraid of losing him.

As she cried, there was suddenly a knock from the door. She wiped down her tears falling from her cheeks and stood up. She fixed herself and brushed her hair. She opened the door and saw a man standing on her front door.

He hugged her as if it is a very long time they haven’t seen each other. “I’m back.”, he said. He kissed her on the forehead and whispered, “I love you.”

She thought it was only a dream but her dream came true and now, the love of her life stayed by her side. Little did she know that he will be her everything.